Monday, March 05, 2007

Reason?

Something has been brought to my attention lately. It is a bit of a worrying thought that I hadn't thought about until now.
As most of you know I am the type of person that is not afraid to try new dangerous things. Somehow the more dangerous something is the more i trow myself into it. I f you haven't noticed this, i'll give a few examples...rugby, jumping from high places, dangerous jumps into the sea...come on, you all know i'm crazy. I thought it all comes from a wierd inbuilt anger, but lately i've realised that i must be angry for something, and i tried and tried to recall what i could be angry at...nothing.
Yesterday, a close friend asked "what are you trying to proove? and to whom?"
I realised...yes...i do try to portray myself as a crazy angry agressive person. This is stupid as I know that alkl of my friends will love and accept me even if i was a normal calm person. The problem is that although i know this, i still can not help being dangerous. It's like I've been trying for so hard, that it hasd become part of me. I know that with enough concentration and prayer, i will remove the anger and trill for danger from within me, but I somehow know that I'll still try to portray myself as that type of person. As in, although it won't come naturally, i will still do it.
This brings me back to thinking about why i try to proove myself as a hardcore, not afraid of anything kind of person.
The only thing i could come up with, is that i try and be this way to be unique in a group, to stick out, to be a bit special. I am not convinced oin this, but it makes sense.
I am a simple person, nothing special about me except my art. I am grateful for this God given talent, but I htink subconsiously, I am not happy with being known as "simon...oh yes, he's the guy that know's how to draw." I think deep down, i feel really insecure about myself and want to try and portray myself as someone unique, wierd, crazy, dangeroius, angry, whatever...
This sounds stupid...as you would be saying that normal people would like to be known for good things...but somehow to me it doesnt matter. Being known as someone who does crazy dangerous things is something i like...
so what's the problem?
I'm eventually going to end up hurting myself seriously and permanently.
That is the main reason I'm am trying hard to understand myself...I do not want to end up loosing the use of my legs because of some stupid stunt i try to pull off to proove myself to everyone.
(again i know i don't have to, and people will accept me for what i really am)
I am still struggling to find the other, or real reasons reasons behind this behaviour...Cause i know i have to solve it soon...or it'll be a little too late.
I apologize for the maybe boring rant...

flip

7 comments:

Matt AND Chris said...

Hey man. Maybe it comes from the fact that when we were young people would see you with glasses and good grades and stuff and automatically assume you're the quiet type. The nerd. This angered you and you wanted to disprove it. So you flipped out.
"THE MOON!! THE MOON, IT WEEPS IN THE SECRET ROOM!! THEY TAP AT MY WINDOWS, WITH TINY PAWS!!!" *cough* hey sim, yeH its me (i fucking hatte this laptop!!). Well yeah i agree with the you doing the crazy stuff, and not needing to, and you know this, and yeah, and it explains the wheelchair thing. Um, yeah.

You could try finding another outlet for your energy (me again), like a not-so-dangerous sport (Rugby is becomming a bit of a fiasco recently from what I hear), or high adrenalin video games.

But yeah, no need to go all out to the max if there's a huge risk involved. Ooh another option (one I tend to opt for) is to take social risks instead. Try the following:

When a group of random people you don't know walk by, shout out, "I'm a shark! I'm a shaaaaaaaaark! Suck my diiiiiiiick! I'm a shaaaaaaaaaark!"

It's quite entertaining. But then you'll probably end up in the same situation, only with a social wheelchair. Or something, Matt next.

ok, sim, NO. there's already enough of that going on AS IT IS..... any way, nothing really to say, you know me well enough to know this. We still love you dude, even if the lines on the street arent always yellow :D

THE END OF THE BEST COMMENT EVAR

Anonymous said...

Sim, I really feel we all pass through times where we try to prove ourselves, and forget that just being ourselves is the best way to go, and ppl wud really see u as the unique person u really are. Dont worry, you'll be fine!!!!!!!!!! :D

Mark

Drew said...

Perhaps your problem lies in the fact, that you dont know who you are. Just remember this simon...that there is more to you than your art. You are not the average guy...and people who know you very well will not say uwijja simon. Simon, youre tricks and antics have rarely ever impressed me. Yet here we are 14 years later a couple of tough periods down the lines, brothers. How do you explain that?

If you find no reasonable explanation i will provide for you. Its because your one of the most caring,loving,loyal and sensitive guys iv ever known.Now this isnt gay pride or anything, but i wanted you to know. Its these qualities that you already have in you, you dont need to jump a couple of storeys, score a myriad of tries.

I just want to conclude, that everyone who knows you well sees these things in you, and they love you not because a double back flip but because of the person who you are.

So thats the goody good side....practical stuff, stop being a crazy bastard damn it!! On a sidenote...God has big plans for u dude, dont screw them up, cos you cant see yourself for whom you truly are.

Carl said...

Hey Simon,

Back from Sailing..

You have to go travelling to realise what a nothing you are. You are one of six billion nothings. Deal with it, proove to ureself how unspecial you are (except in the eyes of god ofcourse if u believe but we're talking about people here) and eventually you will start to get over it and JUST BE WHO YOU WANT TO BE. I find I have the same problems.. god sake I started smoking again after 6 months cause of that and I even left Malta to try and proove Im different. We just are different xbin.. No need to proove it to anyone. But about the danger bit... Danger is good. It reminds you about the good things in life. Reasonable risks ofcourse but in the end - life is cheap as long as you enjoy what you do it doesnt matter if you dont live till you're 100. this applies for both me and you. If something happens to me then im off, if something happens to you then you're with the creator. So be it. Give everything a shot.. just dont be stupid :) Hope that helps though it probably wont - one twisted mind to another :)

Krista said...

Hey Sim. . . i totally understand what u r feeling..coz i feel the same way too sometimes...

Everyone knows me as 'Krista...u know the crazy one...who loves disco music and afroes hehe' ... and so even though i dont like being called crazy and mad...i keep on makin myself appear that way infront of others. i dont know y. i guess i dont want to be just krista... calm and easy going.. i guess subconciously i want to be called crazy, discoqueen whatever, coz in a way it makes me stand out coz i manage to make ppl laugh. The thing is i love makin ppl laugh...i like it wen i make a fool of myself coz it makes it easier to appeal to ppl. howver there are times.. wen ppl take this 'craziness' to heart and actually think i am crazy.

ok i know im complicated .. doesnt make me crazy hhehe

Anonymous said...

hey sim,
lately i was having a conversation bout tthis same subject, about each individual wanting to prove himself/herself to d world...

well basically everyone passes tru it in one way or another, but to difeerent degrees some go a long way to prove themselves, others try a little give up and return back to themselves realising its not worth the hassle as long as you know wot ur worth. yu knw wot i mean?

but about urself,...i can say quite a lot...wen i tink of "Simon" i never identified u as the "crazy bastard" or "danger maniac" or sumtin...i mean ppl look at characters, and d way a person integrates wit human beings...d rest is all wot i call "decoration" or simply the extras...

So if u find urself constantly trying to prove urrself, focus on ur character and d way yu interact wit others...d rest is all "worthless"...i mean,...it means nothing.

Dont wry sim ur a great guy...uve got a lot to give!

Take Care nd God bless u dude.

Ps:sry 4d mega-long comment! ;)

Dezz

Anonymous said...

hey sim,
lately i was having a conversation bout tthis same subject, about each individual wanting to prove himself/herself to d world...

well basically everyone passes tru it in one way or another, but to difeerent degrees some go a long way to prove themselves, others try a little give up and return back to themselves realising its not worth the hassle as long as you know wot ur worth. yu knw wot i mean?

but about urself,...i can say quite a lot...wen i tink of "Simon" i never identified u as the "crazy bastard" or "danger maniac" or sumtin...i mean ppl look at characters, and d way a person integrates wit human beings...d rest is all wot i call "decoration" or simply the extras...

So if u find urself constantly trying to prove urrself, focus on ur character and d way yu interact wit others...d rest is all "worthless"...i mean,...it means nothing.

Dont wry sim ur a great guy...uve got a lot to give!

Take Care nd God bless u dude.

Ps:sry 4d mega-long comment! ;)

Dezz