Something has been brought to my attention lately. It is a bit of a worrying thought that I hadn't thought about until now.
As most of you know I am the type of person that is not afraid to try new dangerous things. Somehow the more dangerous something is the more i trow myself into it. I f you haven't noticed this, i'll give a few examples...rugby, jumping from high places, dangerous jumps into the sea...come on, you all know i'm crazy. I thought it all comes from a wierd inbuilt anger, but lately i've realised that i must be angry for something, and i tried and tried to recall what i could be angry at...nothing.
Yesterday, a close friend asked "what are you trying to proove? and to whom?"
I realised...yes...i do try to portray myself as a crazy angry agressive person. This is stupid as I know that alkl of my friends will love and accept me even if i was a normal calm person. The problem is that although i know this, i still can not help being dangerous. It's like I've been trying for so hard, that it hasd become part of me. I know that with enough concentration and prayer, i will remove the anger and trill for danger from within me, but I somehow know that I'll still try to portray myself as that type of person. As in, although it won't come naturally, i will still do it.
This brings me back to thinking about why i try to proove myself as a hardcore, not afraid of anything kind of person.
The only thing i could come up with, is that i try and be this way to be unique in a group, to stick out, to be a bit special. I am not convinced oin this, but it makes sense.
I am a simple person, nothing special about me except my art. I am grateful for this God given talent, but I htink subconsiously, I am not happy with being known as "simon...oh yes, he's the guy that know's how to draw." I think deep down, i feel really insecure about myself and want to try and portray myself as someone unique, wierd, crazy, dangeroius, angry, whatever...
This sounds stupid...as you would be saying that normal people would like to be known for good things...but somehow to me it doesnt matter. Being known as someone who does crazy dangerous things is something i like...
so what's the problem?
I'm eventually going to end up hurting myself seriously and permanently.
That is the main reason I'm am trying hard to understand myself...I do not want to end up loosing the use of my legs because of some stupid stunt i try to pull off to proove myself to everyone.
(again i know i don't have to, and people will accept me for what i really am)
I am still struggling to find the other, or real reasons reasons behind this behaviour...Cause i know i have to solve it soon...or it'll be a little too late.
I apologize for the maybe boring rant...