After a very interesting discussion with Joni, Sarah and Drew last night, i came up witht he conclusion that I should start trying to be a bit nicer to people.
But since i started on this subject I would like to try and explain a bit about how I work. Please note, I am in no way trying to justify myself as being right or misunderstood, just telling the few readers I have who i am.
WARNING: This post might seem boring and dragging to people who don't want to know me better or try and understand me, I do not blame you if you stop half way.
I get bad moods. A very simple statment, and don't even try to understand why i get bad moods, cause I usually won't know, it could be that i saw something that annoyed me and i forgot about it but its still annoying me subconciesly, it may be something i know annoys me but i convinced myslef it shouldnt so i dont consider it...im a wierd person.
Either way, they happen. Now if in a bad mood and left alone, I would most probably sit on a wall or railing somewhere quietly watching time go by for a while. Harmless.
But I obviously have freinds who care about me and come ask what's wrong. (PLease note, i do not sit quiet, so unlike myself, on purpose to attract attention) I will usually nod quietly in a sign of, leave it its nothing it will pass...Here is where It can go wrong. People who are close to me know when to back off or pursue, sometimes, especially if i know whats bothering, i would want to tell them, but automatically shrug off their first question, other times, ide really want them to shut up. It takes a lot of knowledge about me, and one needs to be very very close to me to know that its one of those times i need their questioning.
The problems arise when i want people to leave me alone, and tey come bouncing along all bouncy and happy (nothing wrong with being happy....) and sit next to me tryingto show me what a pretty and beautiful world we live in and how we shouldn't be sulking "FUCK OFF!" (...just don't try change me) you know? I don't want to be savagish...it's just sometimes people have a 'talent' for saying the wrong thing at the right time. (again, im not justifying myself) or if i arrive exhausted, and people or going to start speaking about work or favours straight away...again..."FUCK OFF!" i know it's not right, and I need to chage this slowly (late New year's resolution) but until then...hopefully this blog has helped.
Here's a picture i drew two days ago. Fits rather well with the topic. Click to see larger.
One other thing ide like to point out, when I'm having a discussion with someone, (not a fight, a discussion, discussing something, casually, like...I don't know, The colour Blue, you knwo, not something too Important) and I can't explain myself, i get agitated.
My brain, like i said is cmplicated... If im thinking about 'A' my head thinks like this... "'A' automatcally means 'B' we can skip 'C' and 'D' cause there obvious, so 'B' leads to 'E' and therfore taking 'C' and 'D' into consideration we get 'F'." so ill say 'F'. in my mind it would make sense, and with enouph explaining and thinking about it, I could put out the thought process to others, but I rarely manage, and therefore get frustrated, start shouting, snapping and looking angry at the person I'm discussing with, who usually decides I'm getting too worked up about the discussion, please believe me, I'm not, it's just Irritation that you're not seeing the thought process which to me is so simple and natural.
Another point, My humour is a little (understatment) rough...
I am the kind of person who likes to make friends and likes to make new people feel comfortable when in my company and the company of my friends, and I am there fore worried about this whole "people find me rough" thing. I want everyone to know that if they need anything, I am here, the ones who know enough know, that I find it difficult to say "no" to a friend. Knowing this, please note that if i say "no, not right now, I'm a bit busy" I would be REALLY BUSY. BUt still, I want to make it clear. I don't have anything against anyone, and if sometimes i give the impression I dont like you cause of the way i joke with you and you don't like it, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me know it annoys you, and I am promising that I will do my best to change it. :)
From here I'de like to say a very big sorry if due to any of the above reasons I miht have offended or hurt anyone.
I hope you managed to learn abit more about how I work.
If you're still reading this, I apreciate that you really care, but pitty you for having to read all this bullcrap...tnx anyway.
gd night people
PS HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO DREW...TWENTEEN TODAY!!!
(wow thats a long one!)